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Candidates Clinton and Dole agreed to this special "cyber" debate in response to the growing importance of the Internet, as well as the surprisingly strong showing by Candidate Exaggeronte in the national polling data. A fourth candidate, the Reform Party's Ross Perot, was not directly included in the debate due to insufficient support among the electorate but was invited to "sit in the front row" of the auditorium as an observer. The debate took place at the Moscone Convention Center in San Francisco, California on Friday, October 6, at 8pm WST. Michael Kinsley former host of CNN's Crossfire and currently editor of the online magazine Slate served as Moderator. The candidates were first asked to each answer two questions directly, and then asked to debate each other in a freestyle round. | |
| MICHAEL KINSLEY | Welcome, gentleman, and thank you for coming to San Francisco today for this special debate. The first question goes to Candidate Exaggeronte: Sir, as President, what would you do to ensure the continued healthy growth of the Internet and the development of a robust Net culture? |
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RIDICHOLAS EXAGGERONTE Boos and laughter from audience at the mention of Slate; Exaggeronte gives the crowd the thumbs-up |
 Thank you, Herr Kinsley. And may I say that notwithstanding your bewildered career hegira from Washington to Redmond and its resultant odious spawn, the aforemaligned Slate you nonetheless do indeed continue to represent the puling, putative "scintelligensia" of our country with all the addled hyperventillatory grace one might expect from a tipsy Oscar Madison attempting Swan Lake in his rumpled flannel pajamas. But enough chit-chat to business. To ensure the healthy growth of the Net, my Vice President, Firefly CEO Pattie Maes of MIT, and I would simply to quote San Francisco homie Mr. Jerome Garcia "keep on truckin'." To state the matter with pith, I have devoted my entire life's work to the promotion of things cyber, and as President I intend to intensify my efforts to make this country not just the United States of America, but the Wired States of America!
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| Crowd applauds | |
| KINSLEY | Thank you Candidate Exaggeronte. Candidate Clinton, how do you answer the same question? |
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BILL CLINTON Boos and laughter from audience at the mention of Slate; Clinton looks around, surprised Crowd laughs |
Mike, I'm glad you asked that question. As your own online magazine, Slate indicates, the Internet is bursting with opportunity for every American, exploding like Newt's very waistline. And in fact, Vice President Gore is said to have coined the term "information highway," so obviously we're all over that puppy, in fact, we're all that and a bag of chips ... yes, sounds tasty, doesn't it?  Anyway, the Internet is many things: it's our bridge to the future, our village in which to raise a child, the dreams of a mother working two jobs in inner city Detroit ... and it's also the dessicated hopes of a nice Depression-Era guy like Bob Dole in charmingly backroad regions like Russell, Kansas. So, yes, Mike, I intend to continue to work hard to continue building a robust Internet village in which to raise lovable cyberchildren, much like my own "Web Grrrl" Chelsea "Chat Room" Clinton. Thank you. |
| Clinton Smiles | |
| KINSLEY | Thank you. Candidate Dole? |
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BOB DOLE Reads an index card |
Thank you, Martin. I'm Bob Dole, and the good news is that this morning a bus loaded with Microsoft Engineers went off the Golden Gate bridge; the bad news is that there were three empty seats! |
| Crowd erupts in wild applause | |
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Dole looks out to man frantically gesturing in the crowd |
But seriously folks, I've appreciated the importance of technology in our lives ever since my father drove our brand spankin' new Model T home through the dusty corn fields of Kansas. Yessir, it was a beauty, with a a nice shiny horn and a put-put sound to beat the band, and ... no? ... don't say that? ... okay, don't soil yourself John, I know how to take a hint ... well anyway, it was a beauty, but ... I know, I know! ... more to the point, I think the Internet is great, and when I'm President, no one will have to worry about online smut mongers, cheap scameisters, rowdy email, or those pesky Septugenarian Club notices that we all get from time to time. Yes, I'll clean up the Internet, and if my wife Liddy isn't posting her Donahue-like rantings in audio files from here to Hong Kong, I'll know the reason why, dog-giggity! |
| Ross Perot raises his hand from the audience. | |
| KINSLEY | Yes, Ross, do you have a brief comment? |
| PEROT |
Well hootenanny, Mike, trying to answer that question is like watching a one-ventricled Texas turkey driving a 1942 Winnebago through a crowd of drunken Marines!
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Perot holds up chart of Internet growth, steeply rising
Looks to Kinsley for help Stands up on his seat |
But make no mistake, this here line ain't goin' down anytime soon, and, with the exception of Thurston Howell the Third over there, these fellers would rather be cuttin' a deal in a smoky backroom than skatin' on the Net, or whatever the hell you kids call it these days. Scuba-ing the net? ... Smurfin' the Net? ...well, what the hell is it? ... SURFIN' the Net, surfin' the Net, that's right, that's right, that's right 'n' tootin'! So I say to the American people don't vote for Thurston you'll never know what the hell he's talkin' about and don't vote for these Beltway Bozos. Pick me, and you'll have one Digital Dude in the White House. Jiminy crackie! |
| KINSLEY | Thank you Ross ... you can sit down now. |
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PEROT Sits down |
Thankie Mikey! Let's go grab a saspirilla after the show, you 'n' me! |
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KINSLEY Rolls eyes and smirks into camera |
I'm there. Okay, our next question starts with Candidate Dole: which of the following is the biggest problem facing the Internet community today, and why: censorship/Comstockery; bandwidth cannibalization; business model insubstantiability; paucity of non-linear content; ineluctable server crashes; online terrorist hackings; hyper-pixillation; exploding/scalable self-expanding archives; or self-scripting, platform-independent, intraspatial, supercompressed JPEG files? |
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Dole looks at him blankly for about ten seconds. S tray coughs are heard in the silent hall. |
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DOLE |
I ... I'm sorry, Marshall, could you repeat the question? |
| Kinsley repeats the question. | |
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DOLE Dole looks to someone in the audience and nods |
 Well, I'd have to say that the biggest problem with this whole thing is the ... uh, the ... lack of any mention of my $515 billion tax cut on the Internet. Because ... if you don't get a tax cut, you can't buy a computer; no computer, no America Inline, no America Inline, no ... uhhhhhh ... as you kids say out here in Brooklyn, if it's not wired, it's tired! Tax cut ... tax ......... cut ... anyone?
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Audience is silent Some polite applause |
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| KINSLEY | Thank you, Candidate. Next we'll hear from President Clinton. |
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CLINTON Clinton makes quote signs in the air, smiles knowingly Laughs with audience, blows kiss in the direction of Hillary Audience boos at mention of CDA |
I would say that the biggest "cyber" problem of today is porn on the Net wife doesn't let me watch any, and that's the problem! I love you, honey! And you too, Hillary! But seriously, that's why I signed the Communications Decency Act , which might have a few bugs still in it but is basically a way to ensure that our children can have a porno-free childhood like the one I had back there in Hope. I say, Internet need not mean InterNookie. And I thank you, Sir. |
| KINSLEY | Candidate Exaggeronte, I imagine you'll be able to knock this one out of the park. |
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EXAGGERONTE |
 Thank you, Señor Miguel. Upon consideration of the mishmosh of cyber "issues" that you have just strewn, willynilly, about the stage, I must dutifully answer: None of the Above. The biggest challenge facing cybersavants like myself is the Sisiphusian task of enlightening Joe and Jane DOS about the potential-and pitfalls of the Net. Granted, it's not exactly heartening to observe such eminent politicians such as Candidates Dole and Clinton weighing in on the subject in the tongue-tied "hahmina-hahmina" style of the late Jackie Gleason, but I am confident that focusing on netucating the average Netizen will, in the end, make the Net knowledge base of Washingtonians as irrelevent as the price of a T-1 in China. Et ... fini!
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| Applause from the audience, and a few shouts of "MIT!...MIT!" | |
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KINSLEY Tentatively |
Ross, anything to add ... briefly? |
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PEROT Stands up on chair again |
 I'm with the professor here. The big issue is getting folks excited about the benefits of all this flangy- |
| Moves to take something out of pocket. Seeing this movement, Secret Service men across the hall draw their guns. Several Perot men in the audience draw their guns. Standoff ensues, audience freezes in silence. | |
Perot smiles and sings in a Texas drawl. Slowly, guns are put away, everyone but Perot sits down, he holds up palmtop. Fiddles with device Fiddles |
Well loooooookee here!"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come fer you?!?" Okay now everybody calm down, I'm just pullin' out my little palmtop computer here, everyone relax! Now watch this: the Internet will set you free. Let's say I want to know where my wife is right now, back in Texas ... there she is, she's in the bedroom, vacuuming; and what about my pride and joy, that chip off the old block, Ross, Jr.? ... he's ... ohhh ... sorry Ross, Jr., and say hello to Susan for me! That's a bit embarrassing, but you get the idea; I can have 24-hour surveillance of my kin, from anywhere in the world! Aint' that wonderful?!? And I pledge, when I'm President, I'll show the same interest in the lives of American citizens as I do my own blood. And there ya go!
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| Sits back down, applause | |
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KINSLEY Rolls eyes and smirks into camera |
Thank you, Ross. And, by the way, nice singing. Now for our final question, which will spark the freestyle debate section. Remember, Marquis of Queensbury Rules, no biting or scratching, and may the best man win. The question is: "What would you put up on your own personal Web site, and why?" Gentleman, engage! |
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CLINTON |
Well, of course, my Web site would have pictures of my wife-I love you, honey!-and of my lovely daughter, and of our beautiful cat, Socks. And also maybe one of Rosa Parks, who so bravely began the civil rights movement with her courageous act of defiance. |
| DOLE | Well, isn't that nice? On the other hand, Bob Dole's Web site would have a big chart showing my $515 billion tax cut, and another chart on how much each family would benefit from it. Oh, and a picture of me, smiling all the way! |
| CLINTON |
Bob, would you also have an exploding Java applet that would show how your plan would destroy the American economy for years to come? Or would that be more of a Shockwave thing?
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DOLE Clinton rolls eyes and smirks |
Shockwave? What the hell's that? Are you talkin' fresh with me, lovehandles? |
| EXAGGERONTE | Candidate Dole, your opponent is merely referring to Web site design options, albeit with a Machiavellian cleverness unbecoming the office of the President. Depressurize, my good man, and remember to visit my Web site, which demonstrates the use of Shockwave, Java, Active X, VRML, and many more with the simplicity of a Dr. Seuss classic and the good taste a Mozart Quartet. Michael, to answer your question, my Web site contains text, visuals, and sound pertaining to my achievments in the professional sphere, as well as photos, etc. of my lovely wife, Dante Exaggeronte, and my young daughter Venus Exaggeronte. |
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DOLE Indicates Clinton |
What the hell is "VRML," and why do I need to know about it? Isn't it enough that we've all got this damned "call-waiting" albatross around our necks?!? I mean, this whole computer thing is fine, but I still say we should return to a simpler past, when men were men and women were women and this sassy mouth over here was still in short pants back in Dogpatch, Tennessee, or wherever it is he's from. |
| CLINTON | Hope, Bob, I'm the man from Hope, and my Web page would have a fully downloadable FTP file of all the special interest concessions you've made over the years. Plus, I'd have an email address of my own, so I could feel the pulse of the people. |
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PEROT Jumps up |
You want to feel the pulse of the people? Well then y'all should get the hell out from behind those computers and go shake some hands all across this great country of ours. If you did that, maybe you'd see that I belong up there on stage with the big dogs instead of coolin' my heels here at the Kiddies table! I mean, look at this, I'm sitting between Hillary and Barbra Streisand, and this Stephanopolous kid has been breathing Bubblicious breath on the back of my neck so I feel I'm about t' pass out!
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KINSLEY Out of microphone range, Perot is saying "Hey, wait a minute, I'm a candidate, too, diggitydamnit!!! |
Thank you gentleman, but I'm afraid that's all we have time for. Thank you to the candidates, to Ross to the audience members both here and watching at home, and, of course, to our level-headed Secret Servicemen and Perotistas. And remember, when you're on the Web, head over to Slate. I thank you. |
