Call me the Laurence Oliver of the intelligensia (soft "g" pronunciation, of course) — or perhaps the thinking man's David Mamet — for I have concocted, conceived, and just plain damn come up with an idea involving the theatre that will make Rent look controlled, Cats look like Garfield's ersatz hairballs, and Le Mis seem like Le Miss!!! In short, my brainstorm is:

imposing hypercyberspace navigator with the strength of ten — whether fighting storm troopers hand-to-hand or battling to raise Web navagation to yet another level. He is ChewabaccAndreesson.

This evangelist of all things space and cyberspace is a roguish maverick with cyberconnections all over the Galaxy, and dedicated to helping the Rebel Apple-lliance — whether harboring fugatives at Cloud City or harboring overworked Web Wunderkinds in SOMA. He is Lando Rosseto.

Our tyrannical antagonist is a powerful and brutal despot sworn to crush the Rebel Apple-lliance — whether using the Dark Side of the OS to kill his enemies or using his Desktop Ubiquity to crush small Net companies. He is The MS-eNperor.

This deadly foe of Steve JobsWalker is actually his true father, and is obsessed with defeating the forces of good — whether crushing his foes with the deadly Dark Side of the OS telekinetic powers or crunching tremendous processing power onto his silicon chips. He is AnDarthy Grove-ader

This learned and energetic scholar and strategist is a sneaky weasel intent on amassing fame and wealth — whether through his clever bountyhunting in space or his equally clever headhunting for Web journalistic talent in cyberspace. He is Boba Kinsley.

This wily, wealthy, and demonic solar gangster is crude in his ways and seeks to intimidate and rule over all in his corner of the Galaxy — whether using his giant bug-like monsters to crush his captives or using his giant infrastructure market share to crush his competitors. He is Larry Ellison the Hutt.

These diminutive, jumpy creatures are intent on helping the forces of good in whatever small ways they can — whether bonking storm troopers over the head or putting "Windows '95 = Macintosh '89" bumperstickers on their cars. They are the EWockintosh Developers.

Melodicta

I can barely contain myself as I relate to you the songs (auto-sic) to be performed: Attend...

'Ware Wars: The Songs (In Order Of Appearance)

This Boring Life's Not Fair, and Christ, What's With My Hair?!? — JobsWalker

Why Do You Talk Like a Whiny, Kludgy English Butler? — JeHan-Louis Gass-solo and C-CREEPY-O

You're a Princess...(And I'm A Geeky Programmer) — JobsWalker and LeiaLaurie

Would That I Had IPO-bucks Like You Have Fetid Hair — Lando Rosseto and ChewabaccAndreesson

Cruisin' and Groovin' in Our Nappy, Happy Death 'Ware — The MS-eNperor and AnDarthy Grove-ader

You Must, of Course, Avoid the Dark Side of the OS — JobsWalker, Steve Obe "Woz" Kenobe, and Dr. Gil AmeliYoda

Are You My Dad, You Heavy-Breathing Cad? — JobsWalker, Grove-ader

Darkened Death 'Ware NT (You Scare My White Ass Plenty) — JobsWalker and JeHan-Louis Gass-solo

That OScillatin', OSprey-matin' (?), Not-Obfuscatin' OS — Entire Company

Coming Soon...

Well cybertheatre fans, I can hear your plaintive questions coming loud and clear over the hopelessly antiquated Internet backbone

"When is it set to open?" "Who will play the leads?" and, of course, "Can I invest?"

Granted, all these questions warm the cockles of my heart, but that last one heats up the little fellows to perhaps the highest temperature of all. Please send any and all inquiries to my humble email address, and I will address them forsooth.

Until then, literate legions, be well, and remember: in virtual veritas!!!

Next Issue: A Royal Pain in the ASCII

Yes, yes, I know it's a great idea! — why do you think I'm bothering to extol its virtues so verhemently?!? So stop slobbering and let me get on with the concept, while you go tip your almost empty Pringles cannister into your no doubt tasting of spam mouth to catch those final, all-important super-salty crumbs. Now, allow me to introduce the characters for my magnum opus, a bit of narrative to whet your whistle, and a few examples of what other musical empresarios call "songs" but I refer to as "melodicta."

Brace yourself, for the intricate manner in which these two realities interlock, mesh, blend, weave and just plain get it on may shock the average reader. To wit:

A long time ago, in a silicon valley garage far, far away...

It is a period of Net civil war. Rebel programmers, striking from anonymous remailers in Sweden, have won their first victory in what seems like ages against the evil Gateslactic Empire. During a recent Internet conference, hackers of the Rebel Apple-lliance managed to steal the code for the MSeNperor's ultimate weapon--the Death 'Ware NT, an immensely powerful planet-sized starship that runs on a robust Operating System with the power to enslave all of cyberspace with its Orwellian cookies, insidiously hypnotizing interface, and, of course, its cripplingly carpel tunnel-causing StealthHellMouse.

Pursued by the MSeNperor's ruthless Marketing executives, Princess LeiaLaurie OrgAndersona pedals rapidly home to her SOMA apartment on her wired mountain bike, custodian of the stolen code that can save her people and restore freedom of choice to the all of cyberspace. The final hope for the Princess, Rebel Apple-lliance, and ultimately the galaxy are the Pointy-JHedi

Dramatis Exaggerontae

Our protagonist is a brilliant youth who yearns to go beyond the drab prospects of his home, feeling that he is destined for something greater — whether it be interstellar galactic battle as a Pointy-JHedi Warrior or spreading the holy gospel of a new infotech paradigm. Using the mystical power of what is called the "OS," he accepts his fate as a rebel against the established order of things. He is: Steve JobsWalker.

Our distaff protagonista is a brave and bold heroine who, like Steve JobsWalker, is equally committed to individual freedom and combatting tyranny — whether contributing an undaunted royal presence to the Struggle or using her multimedia ablities and massive connections in the world of the avant garde to promote the Cause. She is: LeiaLaurie OrgAn-dersona.

Vying for the affections of our LeiaLaurie is a rougish swain and megakinetic vagabond expert at navigating at blinding speeds — whether using hyperspeed to make the stars blur or hypertext to unleash a blur of brilliantly interconnected Web pages. He is: JeHan-Louis Gass-solo

Steve JobsWalker's first teacher in the ways of the OS is a brilliant Pointy-JHedi who works to see good triumph over evil — whether brandishing a light saber or coding for 18 hours straight. He is Steve Obe-"Woz"-Kenobe.

This Ancient Pointy-JHedi master is a grizzled, shrimpy, and yet mysterious 900-year-old being who confronts evil wherever it lurks — whether levitating a sunken space ship out of a swamp or raising a troubled tech company to prominence again through massive losses, restructuring, and layoffs. He is Dr. Gil AmeliYoda.

Companion and invaluable tech engineer to Jhan-Louis Gass-olo is a tall and