Dear Moguls:

I imagine this will come as a bit of a shock, the Great Ridicholas writing "to" you, seeing as I'm usually Exaggerontificating "at" you, often from a lavish dais of some sort, at an event where you've ponied up some extremely large sum of money to avail yourself of the superb digital crystal ball that is my superb cranium. But do not despair, young Cyber Carnegies, for my teaching to you today is simple, albeit powerful.

And that message is: "Won't you please give?!?"

4. ADULT CHRISTIANITY: This is not your father's Christianity — piety and impropriety under one digital roof, from the mind of Poppy Dixon.

5. MAXI MAGAZINE: Not your typical women's magazine. With features like "Is TV evil," and "American Thighs," Janelle, Molly, Rosemary, and Heather are truly doing it for themselves.

6. LEISURETOWN: Tristan A. Farnon brings you a chaotic stew of gumby-like giraffes, incomprehensible eroticism, and lots of wit — all against a dazzling SF background.

7. THE BILE CHRONICLES: Hilarious art/commentary about the fun and foibles of the San Francisco scene; the "Stupid Hats" drawing alone is worth an NEA grant.

8. FEMINISTA: "Art, literature, social commentary, philosophy, wit, humor, and respect." Juliette Cutler Page delivers this, y mas.

9. AOL WATCH: The Bane of Steve Case's existence, David Cassel is "On the Job" when it comes to the mishaps and misdeeds of the Big Kahuna of online services.

10. And last but not least, this very Web site, mighty TWEAK itself. To quote Madge of Palmolive fame, "You're soaking in it!"

I tell you, no less a comic spirit than the very Aristophanes would have to chuckle at these sites, and the serious art and writing on display here is equally impressive. And yet, their creators must toil often in isolation, working at the likes of Kinko's helping people they might intensely dislike select the best stock of paper for their $90,000 job-seeking resume. Not good, people — we have to free these economic slaves, asap! And we — and by that I mean you — have the money! Why, you might ask, don't I do it all by myself! Forsooth, Steve, Larry, and Kim! Haven't I sunk enough dinero into the gaping maw of Wired magazine, Wired News, Wired Stew, Wired Chainsaw, Wired Killer Whales Training Zoo, Wired Wicker Circus Stilts, Inc., etc. to justify a little help from others? You're gorsh-dad-blamed-cursed right I am, by Jove!

Still not leaping for the check book, you wealthy wags?!? Not willing to interrupt your Caviar Wishes and Beluga Dreams, or whatever that aptly surnamed Robin Leach says as he paws at his betters in front of a camera? Well, consider this, it's either you help out these unsung heroes, and help bring a few laughs into the world, via the Web, or you'll have to — and I hate having to bring this up — but you'll have to watch Mad About You scrape even the bottom of the bottom of the idea barrel for plot twists and "character development." Yes, you cringed when they made a big deal out of their cute little baby's first night alone. But it's going to get worse, my confrere, much worse. How about Paul's film career? Want to see any more of that? I didn't think so. Are you beginning to get the Ridicholas Gospel? I knew you'd come around.

So please, Steve, Larry, and Kim, and other luminaries of the Valley, you know what to do now, don't you? With Mr. Gates assembling talent like some collect Pez dispensers, there is no time to waste. Northern California is the technological capital of the world — with a little push (No pun intended, Kim, haha!), it can take its rightful place as a 1,000-MHz cultural capital, as well. I look forward to hearing from you, but please, if you phone me at home, do so before 9pm — after that, I'm apt to be sharing a fine single malt scotch with my lovely wife Dante Exaggeronte. But please leave a message — you can believe I'll get back to you.

Exaggerontally yours,

Ridicholas

Next Issue: See what we've done with your money

No, Steve, Larry, and Kim — Sally Struthers is NOT hovering over me with a gun to my head. And no, I'm not asking you to "give" to me — you'd see how silly that notion is with one intoxicating glance at a financial statement from any of my seven banks around the globe. No, no, rather than towards my well-off self, I intend to channel your charity, align your altruism, nudge your noblesse oblige towards a much more needy source: The Bay Area Digital Geniuses, or, in the interest of pith, BAGDes.

I know, I know: You're used to thinking of YOURSELVES as the Bay Area's Digital Geniuses — though not starving, of course. And there lies the rub! I entreat you, Steve, Larry, and Kim, to open your minds for an expansion of the term BADGe, one that travels North above the balmy climes of Atherton, Palo Alto, and even Redwood City, extending, Matthew Perry-like, to the chilly, hilly town known as Baghdad by the Bay.

Yes, you've guessed it, you precocious little noodniks: Beautiful Emeryville!

Ahahahahahahah! I got you! Of course it's not Emeryville, but rather ... drum roll with sourdough breadsticks, please ... San Francisco! The Crowned Jewel of American Cities! The Land That Caen Built. The Greatest City in the World, if you believe the Conde Nast people. Yes, it is HERE that the next generation of Bay Area Digital Geniuses is living, creating ...

... and starving. Or, at least, working at Starbuck's, which is undoubtedly even worse.

Point being, Steve, Larry, and Kim, that there's a tremendous mother-lode (or perhaps "person-lode" is more appropriate in these sensitive times) of digital talent waiting up here in San Francisco to be discovered by the right Millennium Medici. And, unless we want Bill Gates to simply buy the efforts of every creative person on the City, we've got to start supporting them ourselves.

But Ridicholas: Who do you mean, when you say Bay Area Digital Geniuses?

"Whom!" you geeks — "Whom!!!" Your questionable grammar aside, here are some examples of Web artistes that MUST be funded before Microsoft's Steve Ballmer rides into town with a bottomless checkbook. Please attend ...

1. DITHERATI: When the Digerati dither, Owen Thomas is there ... the mighty ignore him at their own peril.

2. POST FEMINIST PLAYGROUND: Has to be seen to be believed ... suffice to say, if Lily, Carolyn, Joshilyn, and Susannah have their way, Gloria Steinem's days are numbered.

3. ENTELECHY: Steven Horn's site offers poetry, fiction, striking visuals, media criticism, beer, and Nestle's Quik.